I have a friend that used to always remind me how important it is to see the forest through the trees. Basically meaning that when we are so focused on the details, on the specifics at hand, we forget the big picture. Now, re-reading the blog, I can see that that’s exactly what happened to me. As I got deeper into the pregnancy, the drama surrounding each ultrasound and the fear of the unknown, made me focus on the details. On the exact size of baby B, on the level of fluid around baby A’s heart, on the likelihood that I would need surgery. I was holding my breath from ultrasound to weekly ultrasound. And the more I focused on the details (and what the internet had to say), the more I became anxious. Full of worry.
Many of the posts are an attempt to release that anxiety, to trust God with the results, and I was often able to do so but the moment I began to focus on the details, I would once again get weighed down with apprehension.
The term ‘full-circle’ came to mind as I read the early posts. It was interesting to see that when I sat down today to write, the main things that I wanted to express were the ideas written, ironically, in a post from August – before most of the drama had unfolded. I think it sums up how I feel now – a whirlwind of 4 months later. It’s about perspective and here is an excerpt…
Sometimes a little perspective is all you need to bring yourself out of fear, depression or self pity. Perspective means ‘the ability to perceive things in their actual interrelations.’ The danger of losing perspective is that you see your experiences in relation to YOU, to YOUR life. And that’s not reality. It feels like reality, but it’s not.
When I first heard about TRAP syndrome, I read that this rare condition happens to 1 in 350,000 women. It came after a week of crazy not-so-good-news and I thought, “What in the world is going on? Why is this happening to us?”
I was then reminded of the promise that God gives us – the promise not to spare us from pain, but to comfort us in the midst of it. I was reminded of, and humbled by, situations of people I know and love around the world. Rather than being 1 in 350,000 women with a rare pregnancy condition, I could be 1 of 7 - the number of people in the world who go to bed hungry. Mia could be 1 of 50 – the number of American children that are homeless each year.
A little perspective reminded me that my blessings far outweigh the challenges in my life. That I don’t have any reason to complain. To ask for prayer? Yes. To complain? No. I was talking to Paul about this and he said the best way to keep your perspective is to be thankful. He’s right; it’s hard to complain, be in self pity, or be depressed when you look around you and see all the gifts you have been given. When you begin to count your blessings.
I don’t think I could ever count that high.
Seeing each ‘tree’ as an obstacle made me start to doubt the purpose of this journey. I lost perspective, I didn’t see the bigger picture. As I tried to navigate through the trees, I nearly forgot about the forest altogether. In reality, we have been through a beautiful journey – one that has grown Paul and I closer together, one that has given us a new appreciation for life and the sanctity of it, and one that has refocused our trust on God. Not on the internet, modern medicine, or ourselves. I am surrounded by blessings and have another incredible one right around the corner.
Summer is coming.
And with all the warmth that Summer brings. With the promise of new life. With the promise of new growth for all of us.
I can’t wait.
