Seasons of Summer

Summer is my favorite season. It means so much more to me than just the sun, although that is the central part to what I love. It's more about what summer represents - the warmth. The kind of warmth from the inside out, the kind of warmth that allows you to go barefoot. The kind of warmth that comes from BBQ's, family reunions, and strawberry margaritas. The kind of warmth that begs for coolants like Lake Michigan, a fan in your bedroom at night, and air conditioning in the car (even though the windows are rolled down).

People say that we wouldn't love summer without winter, we wouldn't appreciate the sunshine if we didn't have the clouds. While I would forever replace snow-skiing with water-skiing and ice for sand, I understand the sentiment.

Typically we would keep our baby's name as a surprise until she was born but, at the suggestion of my Aunt Donna, it's important that people pray for her by name. I totally agree and am pleased to officially replace 'Baby A' with the name...
Summer Marie Von Tobel.

We thought about the implication of naming her Summer when she is due to be born in the middle of winter but decided that we like that aspect of it. My sister in law gave me good perspective on the spiritual aspect of Summer vs. winter...(in her words)...

A SUMMER in the middle of winter. I actually kinda like the symbolism of that! She is what you guys need right now and maybe it's God saying that HE'S THE GOD OF SEASONS in our lives. We (you, especially) dread the winter and we all have a rough time seeing Him in our figurative winters. What does it look like for God to see our winters as the summers (i.e. the time where actually most growth happens.)??

Maybe during our times of spiritual summer, when we feel close to God, and feel like we are having a 'good' season in our walk with Him, maybe God sees it differently. Maybe He views our spiritual winters, as His summers. The times when we feel like we are lost, disconnected, apathetic - maybe that's when God can do His best work in us. Maybe that's when God can mold us, use us, and teach us the most. Maybe that's his favorite season in our lives, His summer.

God has already used Summer Marie to draw us closer to Him, make us rely on His strength, trust in Him more fully. We pray constantly for her and her little heart - that she would continue to grow and develop until the day we get to meet her and introduce her to her big sister Mia. We are looking forward to meeting her but pray that she stays in my tummy as long as possible!

TRAP sequence

The official name for my diagnosis is TRAP sequence. Twin reversal arterial perfusion. Basically, it means that Baby A, the healthy baby, is connected to Baby B. They were identical twins, so they are in the same gestational sac. Even though Baby B passed away, the connection means it has a blood supply. Baby A is pumping blood for her little body and for her would-have-been-sister's little body. So even though Baby B does not have a heartbeat, her body is still developing through this blood supply.

Problem #1 - Baby A can go into heart failure because she is pumping blood for 2 babies.

Problem #2 - Baby A can get sick if the blood flow that is being sent to baby B reverses and starts to go back into Baby A.

Solution #1 - If Baby B gets to be too big, I will go to one of the 5 places in the nation that performs surgery for TRAP sequence. This surgery consists of searing the connection between Baby A and Baby B. This is only done once the baby is big enough and between 18-24 weeks of pregnancy.

Solution #2 - Monitor through ultrasounds and fetal echo cardiograms to see if Baby B is growing, if Baby A is healthy - this solution usually results in preterm labor as Baby A will either get sick or go into heart failure.

It's hard to know what to pray for in this medical rarity. Initially, I was completely afraid of the surgery, wanted to know the risk of miscarriage associated with it, and wanted everyone to pray that Baby b stops growing so that I don't need the surgery. Paul was leaning towards the surgery since, if it goes well, results in a full term baby. The more research I have done on this, the more I guess I am leaning towards the surgery as well.
Not doing anything almost guarantees that Baby A will be delivered early. And doing the surgery has a risk of miscarriage. Our emotions sway this way and that - today it just feels like an unfair decision to have to make.

A baby girl

The tears I first cried were for the loss of a twin, of one of the 2 babies, in my tummy. I only knew there were 2 babies for a few weeks but it was enough to cry over the loss of one of them.

The 2nd tears I cried took place a month later and were tears of joy at seeing baby A on the ultrasound kicking and moving like crazy. My tiny dancer.

Those were short lived tears, as just a few minutes later the Dr. came in and said that baby b, the twin that had not survived, was still growing. It was supposed to breakdown and get reabsorbed by my body but unfortunately, it didn't. And it only meant one thing - that it was connected to Baby A and I was a high risk pregnancy.

A 3 hour appt, later, Paul and I left with more questions than when we walked in. Part of those 3 hours were spent waiting, another part in ultrasounds with the technician and then the Dr, and then a 3rd part in a conference room trying to make sense of what we were being told. But the words just kept coming in short phrases, like echoes in a tunnel. You have to go to Cincinnati for surgery. Baby A can get sick. Early delivery - 24 weeks. Heart failure. Pump twin. Acardiac twin. A spine, skull...maybe a limb. At some point, I stopped asking questions and Paul took over. Then we were ushered out to the office to schedule weekly ultrasound appts in order to monitor the size of baby b's growth and the heart of baby a.

When we left, the tears had stopped. They had coagulated into a clump at the top of my throat - not able to to be swallowed away, refusing to released.

In the midst of the bad news, we found out that baby a is a girl. A sweet, precious, baby girl. This piece of information was drowned out by everything else, but not before Paul said to me, "Wow, it would have been twin girls." Yes, it would have been.