Another ultrasound. After weekly ultrasounds for almost 6 months, it should be no big deal. But this one…this one is different. Instead of seeing Summer through the protective lining of my belly, she will be the one exposed. When she was in my belly, I had to rely on her, her little heartbeat, to know she was ok. But now it’s reversed. Now she relies on me to be ok. To be safe. To be free of pain. And in this case, there is nothing I can do.
Now, she is the one that will lay there as the technician carefully examines her. Specifically, her spinal cord.
Your mind automatically goes to worst case scenario when you hear possible bad news. It doesn’t matter if you are a glass half full kind of person, which I think I am; you still need to know worst case scenario. I think it’s so that you know what you are hoping doesn’t happen, what you are trying to avoid. What you are praying against. Of course the goal is to focus on the best case scenario. But sometimes you get stuck.
So when the pediatrician told me today that she suspected Summer might have a tethered spinal cord, I initially assumed it would be just another dramatic possibility. A normal spinal cord is free flowing at the base. However it can sometimes be attached, or tethered, to the tissues around it. Of course, I still had to ask about what it could mean, and she told me about worst case scenarios –surgery to untether the cord, possible incontinence, nerve damage, some degree of Spina bifida. She also told me that it’s possible that there is nothing wrong – just like with TRAP and the fluid on the brain. (According to the pediatrician, the fact that a neurosurgeon does the ultrasound was supposed to make me feel better. But it only made me realize the severity of this condition.)
As I left the waiting room and saw the other moms, I wondered if they are all receiving ‘possible’ news about their little ones. I never did with Mia – why is there so much surrounding Summer? I decided to schedule the ultrasound and not worry about it until there was something to worry about.
Then I got in the car. And no matter how loud I turned up the radio, my thoughts were always just a bit louder. What if she has Spina bifida? What if she will be incontinent the rest of her life? What if she’s crying right now because the car seat hurts her spinal cord? Is that even possible?
That all too familiar feeling of anxiety started to well up. I thought I was done with that feeling! But somehow, this time, it was stronger. When I was pregnant, the unknown put distance between the picture on the ultrasound and the reality of my child. What will she look like? What will happen? But now she’s here. It’s real. She’s my baby and my job is to protect her. And that maternal mama bear instinct is as strong as ever.
It wasn’t until my sister in law called and I began explaining the situation to her that the tears came. (I should add that this was after I spent nearly an hour online researching tethered spinal cord. Yes…I know.) But after those initial tears, I was then able to focus on the best case scenario for a few days until… the doubts started creeping in. Was it just my imagination or were her cries starting to indicate that she was in pain? Did those lines on her back that the doctor saw seem to be getting bigger? Was it crazy to think that there would be no consequences of TRAP sequence?
Worst case scenario. I try not to focus on that but all I want to hear when I go to the ultrasound tomorrow is that she is not in pain. Whatever the diagnosis, we will deal with it. But there’s nothing worse than seeing your child in pain with no way to alleviate it.
I have written about the first time I met Summer and the joy of that moment and the moments since then. It has been amazing having my 2 girls. We have really been enjoying this time together as a family of 4. I will post that soon but I wanted to get this post out there first so that those of you that pray, can pray. You can pray that she doesn’t have a tethered spinal cord. That she is not in any pain. That the neurosurgeon will see clearly what he needs to see.
Once again, thank you for your prayers and support on this journey. My sweet Summer had a dramatic pregnancy, a dramatic birth, and I’m hoping this will be the last of her dramatic surprises. At least until she is a teenager – then at least the drama is expected!
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