Lights

I have flown hundreds of times in my life. And yet, every time the flight attendant explains the safety components, I put down my book and listen. I can explain how to buckle the seatbelt, blow up the life vest, put on the oxygen mask (and always to yourself first before helping another), and the other handful of explanations he gives and yet I still feel like I should listen. Not so much because I will learn something new, but because I feel like I am being disrespectful if I don’t pay attention. Do I think he will give me better treatment in the event of a plane crash because I listened to him? No, I’m pretty sure that if there is a plane crash, much of these safety tips won’t really matter… However, I did learn something new today.

On the lifejackets, there is a little blinking light. I don’t know if that’s a new thing or the first time I have ever heard them say it. Either way, it was a minor detail that I had never caught before. It immediately gave me the image of being lost in the ocean, in the midst of the big black sea at night and yet the tiny flashing light can be seen from miles around – including by the rescue boat.

One of my biggest fears is being lost in the ocean, hence the reason I am not interested in ever taking a cruise. And this fear is of course tied to my fear of sharks. And yes, both of them are irrational. (Although, I should point out that when in Florida last week, I read an article about a recent scuba diver who came up to the surface only to realize that he was alone. In the ocean. With the sharks. And that the tour boat that he was with had left without him. Just like the movie Open Water. So….it does happen).

I think the basis of that kind of fear (besides the obvious) is the being alone. The complete isolation that encompasses you. With or without a life jacket, you are alone. But that light - it dramatically increases the chances of being rescued. As I was thinking about that, we began our treck on the runway as we prepared for takeoff. It was early in the morning and there was a heavy fog. Visibility was not great but on that runway all I saw were lights. Blinking lights, guiding lights. It made me feel confident about our safety even without visibility.

It also made me think of all of you. In your own way, as Paul and I have been navigating this journey blindly, you each have been little beacons of light to us through your beautiful messages of encouragement, by sharing your own stories and wisdom, and of helping provide ideas for each step of the way. It’s like you have been those lights on the runway helping us stay focused as we keep going to weekly ultrasounds. Or maybe we are the ones wearing the lifejackets in the big sea of the unknown and you guys see the blinking S.O.S. lights and reach out to us to lend a hand, a word of encouragement. A laugh.

I have received lots of good questions from many of you. Here is an attempt to answer some of them…

TRAP Sequence and Baby B
Any negative effect that may have happened due to TRAP sequence, has already happened. Baby b is still there, growing but slowly. With your encouragement and insight, we did name her, Cayden Marie, and are thinking of ways to commemorate her after she is born. Thanks for all your great ideas!

Labor and delivery
I may still go into preterm labor but it will be because I am/was a twin pregnancy – not so much because of the TRAP diagnosis. And the reason I would deliver early would be because the amount of placenta providing nutrients to Summer is compromised simply because baby b is still attached. FYI baby b is attached to Summer through the placenta (not baby to baby.)

I have another ultrasound Wednesday and then begin my 3rd trimester soon! Seems like the longest pregnancy in the history of all pregnancies but I can see the end in sight and am looking forward to that! To meeting Summer, to having the unknown answered.

One thing that keeps me going is that every morning, Mia kisses my tummy and says baby ‘ummer’.

Well…she might also be saying baby elmo….we’re not quite sure!