Memories

Mia had her first haircut yesterday. She’s almost 2 but her hair grew slowly. It was short in the front and long in the back and was starting to look like a mullet. It was time to put stop to that. So Grandma cut a little bit off in the back – no more mullet. She (my mother in law) asked me if I wanted to save her hair. Part of me wanted to say yes. Actually I did say yes initially. But then as I thought about it, I realized that there was no point.

The reason I said yes was that I wanted to want to save it. I felt like I was supposed to save it – like it was the mom-thing to do. I was supposed to save it, put it in a cute little frame, and immediately transfer it into her completely filled out baby book once I got home. Except, that that would never happen. It would go into a zip lock bag, sit in my suitcase until I had time to unpack (which on average is about a week after I have returned home from a trip), and then end up in some drawer in my bathroom until I found it a few months later and put it in a pile of other items that have every intention of eventually making it into Mia’s baby book that I haven’t started yet. Yes, she’s 2 and I haven’t started it yet.

So with that realization and with my 2 sister-in-laws admission that they didn’t save their baby’s hair either, I threw the hair away before the haircut was even completed.

That’s not to say I’m not sentimental. In fact, I’m a little too sentimental and I save everything. But the problem is I’m not organized enough to actually put all this stuff in a special place. So it all ends up in a pile. I have programs from every funeral and wedding I have ever been to. I have movie tickets from nearly all the movies Paul and I went to the 1st year we started dating. I even have my 8th grade graduation t-shirt with the names of all my classmates on it! Why? Is it because I might find the time to scrapbook one day? Or what if Mia might want to wear that t-shirt from 1994?

Ideally I would have scrapbooks and photo albums and journals with the memorabilia complete with commentary on the dates, times, people and purpose. But that will never happen. However, the point behind keeping these items for me is the same point as it is for the Type A mother and creative scrapbooker that I will never be – to keep the memory alive. To be able to look at the wedding program and remember how the pastor said the wrong name in the ceremony and how my dad wore his sunglasses through the whole thing. To look at the seashells and remember the romantic date that Paul took me on at the beach. To be able to look at the hair and remember when Mia was 2 and in the bathtub in Florida with her mullet that was begging to be cut off. It’s all about keeping the memory alive.

Of course we don’t need that to remember – but we need it to remember to remember. In other words, if we don’t have that visual reminder, sometimes we forget to reflect and take time to think about these past memories. We miss out on the enjoyment of reliving them or even on learning from them now that we are seeing them with hindsight.

When I first learned about TRAP and that we had lost Cayden, I researched all the medical info I could. But eventually I just got to the point of wanting to hear real stories about it - not from medical journals. I started searching out blogs until I found a few that had the stories of people that had been through TRAP deliveries. Most of them ended up with pre-term labor and the delivery of at least 1 stillborn baby. I was most intrigued with the photos of the acardiac twin. Of their baby b’s. Though they were malformed and didn’t look like babies, there were photos taken of them. With baby hats on, a small body wrapped in a baby blanket, with booties if there was a foot to put a bootie on. I could see how special these photos were to the parents. So I asked Paul to call our good friend and photographer, Jeremy (www.studiothisis.com) and ask him to be ‘on-call’ so to speak. This was when we figured that we would be delivering both babies early. I wanted pictures of Cayden. I wanted that memory.

We have now learned that baby b is growing slowly enough not to cause high risk for pre-term labor, and that she will be delivered with the placenta – as part of it. Recognizable as baby b (a mass of tissue different than the placenta), but not something that would be given a burial. Therefore, not something that will have pictures taken of.

So today I spent some time talking with my sister-in-law about how to commemorate Cayden. I have been feeling lately like there must be something special that I can do. Some initial research provided ideas such as hanging a special ornament at Christmas, or planting something in her name, etc. But nothing I’ve read seems quite right. I think I understand now why people get tattoos in honor of someone – it’s so permanent, and so undeniable that it seems almost ceremonious. Reverent. Funny to use that word when I can name many people who think tattoos are the opposite of reverent. But when you think about it this way, it’s hard to disagree. I have a friend who lost her mom as a child and she has a teardrop on her wrist with her mom’s initials. I think that’s beautiful. I can see how that makes her feel like her mom is always there with her. And my friend who lost her baby – her tattoo is so full of symbolism that I’m sure when she looks at it she feels every emotion that eventually ends with the hope and promise that she’ll see him again. There is comfort in that.

I’m not really interested in getting a tattoo but I am interested in hearing other ideas of ways to remember Cayden. Something special. Simple yet special. To be that reminder of a beautiful girl waiting for me in heaven. Something that I can touch or see or think of when I look at Summer and get tears in my eyes imagining her twin sister. Or maybe something special for Summer to 'know' of her sister.

Maybe something to just help provide comfort during the first month after their birth.

I didn’t think I would need that until today when the tears, once again, came out of nowhere as we talked about delivering Summer.

And Cayden.

If you have any ideas or thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

And, once again, thanks for all your words of encouragement, prayers and thoughts!