Life Out Loud

When we hear about people in the public eye being exposed for some character flaw, we immediately pass judgment. How could they do that? How could they live a lie like that? We shake our heads and snub our noses. But if those flaws are exposed by they themselves, if there is no attempt to hide them, we seem to be more sympathetic to them.

It’s easy to choose to expose just one part of your life. To offer that part up, even in complete vulnerability, as long as the other parts remain protected. We can show weakness in 1 area but that’s all. However, I have been feeling lately like that is also like living a lie. It’s like the Pastor who counsels people on the freedom of life with God but then is addicted to gambling (or whatever else) behind closed doors.

That’s kind of how I have felt lately. I decided to make my blog public because selfishly, I wanted prayer. And then it became healing for me to write. And then I started to hear about how it was helping other people. All reasons I continue to write about my pregnancy. But it’s just a portion. Just a sliver of my life.

The events of the last 20 weeks have really allowed me to dissect certain parts of my thought processes, my inner workings, and have brought me to a place of peace. Of trust. Of awareness. But perhaps only within that sliver. And if it seems like I have learned these lessons in their entirety, nothing could be further from the truth.

I was in the car today, driving with tears streaming down my face. I was angry. I was hurt. And I was pregnant (translated: emotional). And I had the fleeting thought that I needed to write down my emotions because that helps me sort them. And just as quickly, the next thought was but not in the blog, this one is for my private journal. But that struck a chord in my soul. It was like God saying, Why? Why is this private? This is real. This is life. This is what you are saying that you want to share. So share it.

Ok. So here goes.

I got in a fight with Paul today. I guess I should say that I might have been a bit stressed because it’s Wednesday (ie ultrasound day). And I’m pregnant which means I cry easily. And I cry easily anyways. And I might have been a tad emotional. So I may have instigated it. Especially when you compare my husband who is possibly the most level headed, easy going, non reactive, person you have ever met. And as marriage would have it, that is one of the things I love most about him. And the thing that drives me crazy. All at the same time.

I guess you need some background info. I never found this to be pertinent information so I have never shared it; it really never had anything to do with the pregnancy. But since this blog has become bigger than my pregnancy, here is some context for the last 20 weeks…

On July 12th, we got home from Sweden. We were energized. Excited about what we experienced there and ready for the next step in our lives whatever that might be.

On July 13th, Paul found out that he was laid off from his job. One of his favorite jobs that he has ever had. One that matched perfectly with his unique personality, gifts and passions. He was the Pastor for 150 adults with developmental disabilities, and that position, along with 33 others, were let go in a 2nd round of company layoffs. (It’s a great non-profit that we continue to pray for as they deal with their financial struggles). Ok, crushing blow but we still had the wave of energy that we were riding from Sweden. We knew it would be fine.

On July 15th, we found out that baby B was growing, had doubled in size and I was a high risk pregnancy and possibly on my way to surgery. The wave of energy was starting to lose its momentum a little bit but we knew there must be a plan here somewhere. God always has a plan…right?

On July 19th, we found out that the employees laid off do not qualify for unemployment because of the certain status this particular non profit holds. (Something I still don’t quite understand but try not to think about otherwise the seeds of bitterness start to embed in my soul.). The unemployment would have been how we would afford the temporary insurance coverage for my high risk pregnancy and weekly ultrasounds. Ok, now the wave was not only losing momentum but starting to crash down.

Fast forward to September 7, 2011.

Paul and I have a fight. Which, in our relationship means, I say something sassy and unnecessary. Paul raises his voice. I start to cry. I know, totally lame and anticlimactic. But what was the fight about, you ask? Hmm. I think it might have been about the fact that he had my computer and wasn’t answering his phone. And then it turned into not taking some free time we had today to look for a job. And then somehow we got to when his last speeding ticket was…?? Not sure how that happened.

Ok, so maybe it’s more helpful to figure out what the fight was really about. Which rarely has to do with the words that are flying around in an argument. And I think this one had to do with a sense of panic that has been building in me over the last week. A culmination of this wave collapsing on itself. On us. If you’ve ever been caught in an undertow you know the strength of it, and how hard it can be to get out of it. It seems the more you struggle, the weaker you get. That’s how I felt today.

I have a really cool devotional book that is written from God’s perspective – it takes scripture and phrases it as if God is speaking directly to you. I try to read it every morning. Well, everyday is more accurate. Actually, I have it by my bedside table to read 1st thing but by the time I see it, I am already running late and I throw it in my purse to read when I get to work. But then I don’t think about it until I am back home and see it in my purse when I am digging for my phone. And it ends up back by my bedside table for me to read before I go to bed. A terrible habit I know. But I can still say that I read it every day.

So today, I came home and saw it. I just had this feeling that God was saying ‘you should have read this in the morning…there’s something good in it specifically for you’. And of course, there was.

Trust in me with all your heart, and I will make your paths straight. The farther you roam along paths of unbelief, the harder it is to remember I am with you. Anxious thoughts branch off into all directions, taking you farther and farther from awareness of my presence. Trust in me. This simple act of faith will keep you walking along straight paths.

Ahh. There it is. Maybe if I had read that, I would have remembered that there is a plan. There is a path that we are on. In the past, I have written about how I want peace and how I finally figured out how to have peace regarding my pregnancy. I have written about how I want to trust in Gods presence and have figured out how to do so in the pregnancy. And just yesterday, I wrote about having awareness and how I have learned to foster that. Well, unfortunately, I didn’t learn these lessons enough to extend them into my whole life. Only in the sliver of life I have been sharing about. The sliver that is my complicated pregnancy. It’s a big sliver, but it’s not the whole picture. And I see now that there is no point in applying a lesson learned to only a piece of your life.

It’s like learning how to ride your bike on the grass but not on the concrete. What’s the point? Inevitably on your ride, you are going to encounter both terrains so you need to learn how to ride regardless of the kind of ground you are riding upon.

Just like I need to learn how to apply that peace, that awareness, that trust in God to all areas of my life including this phase in our lives of uncertainly. Not just my pregnancy. Otherwise I am like that person that looks in the mirror, walks away and forgets what he looks like. Would you believe that is also from the Bible (can you tell I’m married to a pastor!)? It’s in a verse that basically says, if you listen to or read what’s in the Bible but then don’t follow through on it (ie. do what it says, let it translate into your life), then it’s like looking in the mirror and walking away and forgetting what you look like. What’s the point of looking in the mirror then? We’ve got to apply what we learn. To our whole life – not just the convenient or easier parts.

So I guess I am trying to be intentional about living out loud. I guess that’s really the only way to live anyways. It’s not just about sharing those parts that we are comfortable with. Or that we have control of. Sometimes it’s about asking others to go into the water with us, and letting others in as we learn to apply what we are learning to all areas of our lives. And share the joy as we ride the wave together. Or to catch us when we crash into the shore. And who knows, if Cayden means of the sea, maybe she is riding these crazy waves with us; our very own guardian angel.

Oh and yes, Paul and I made up.