The Unexpected

It’s amazing how the unexpected hits you and literally takes your breath away. Or makes your heart skip a beat. Or stops you in your tracks. There are the obvious times that this happens – the phone call about the car accident, or news about the cancer cells you were convinced you had beat, or hearing that the perfect couple is getting divorced. Those are almost so unexpected that you have a sense of dread that it might be coming.

Meaning, you are not expecting it but you know it could happen at any time so in a sense, you at least have an awareness of the possibility.

But then there are the not so obvious unexpected moments. Like when you come home from a long day at work and your husband has a beautiful gourmet dinner waiting for you. Or when you have been told that you will never be able to get pregnant and then those 2 pink lines show up, clear as day. Or when your ex-boyfriend walks into the restaurant and your heart jumps into your throat and your cheeks flush red. And you don’t know if you are more surprised at seeing him or at your physical reaction.

These are the unexpected moments that you don’t even have an awareness about – they aren’t even on your radar as a possibility and so they catch you off guard.

I was in Boston this weekend with Paul and my in-laws and had one of these moments. It was almost a slow motion type of experience. Waiting for the bus at the Boston airport on Labor day weekend, suffice it to say there was a lot of noise, crowds, and offending smells. People scurrying determinedly dragging their rolling suitcases, cabs honking and tailgating, and busses letting out bursts of air as they pressurized each time they stopped and started again. As we waited amidst the black exhaust coming from each vehicle that passed us, I clutched Mia as my most important piece of luggage. Our bus finally came, and we scrambled over to it, along with 50 other people, counting our pieces of baggage as we walked. Then, as we came to a halt waiting for the people on the bus to get off, I saw a beautiful little girl stepping down, holding her mom’s hand. Then the mom half turned towards the bus and I realized her other hand was holding that of another child. And this one was just as beautiful as the first.

In fact, they had the same face.

Identical twins.

And all of a sudden the noise stopped. The smell of exhaust ceased and the constant movement around me became slow motion. I found myself watching them in amazement as they hurriedly walked towards their next destination. In that split second, before the noise came back and I was pressured to get on the bus by the waiting line behind me, my heart skipped a beat. My breath was taken away. I was stopped in my tracks. Just as quickly as the slow motion of the moment came upon me, it vanished. I looked at Paul wide eyed to see if he saw them. He did. I don’t know what expression I had on my face but it was enough for my mother in law to turn around and say, “It’s ok.”

On the bus, I started to process. I was so surprised by my reaction. It’s not that surprising to see identical twins, so just like with the reaction of seeing an ex at a restaurant, I was more surprised by how I reacted to it than to actually seeing them. I had a lump in my throat – which just means that the tears were armed and ready to be fired but there is a wall holding them in until given the go ahead. Being as I was on the bus, I let the wall remain erected until the tears were able to be swallowed away.

Why did I have tears anyways?! I thought to myself.

I felt a familiar ache somewhere deep in my heart. It was the kind of ache of something missing. Of what could have been. Maybe what should have been. Like how the working mother feels when told about her baby’s first steps. Or first words. Or when her baby calls her nanny ‘mommy.’ The ache that tells you that you are missing out on something significant but there is nothing you can do about it.

Where is this ache coming from?

Alongside that ache, was this feeling of utter surprise. The kind you don’t recover from right away because it had such a physical reaction in your body. Something that literally makes your endocrine system shoot out different hormones than usual, or makes your circulatory system actually change the pace of your breath or speed of your heartbeat – those things require some mental processing as well.

What is this reaction I am having?! Haven’t I already dealt with all this?

Maybe not. Maybe I dealt with losing a baby. Maybe I dealt with saying goodbye to Cayden. But maybe there is more there. Even though it’s just an idea, just a concept, just a dream, it still has power. Identical twins. I prayed for twins. And as I wrote in my last post, verbalizing that desire really made it stronger, gave it a voice. Weird to think something like that is such a strong desire of my heart. I mean seriously, one kid at a time is enough to deal with! But it’s not about me having those identical twins – its about them having each other. That’s the part of twins that I absolutely am in love with. That connection. That bond. There is nothing like it. Siblings come close. But it’s not quite the same.

I have a friend with triplets. And she told me once, “I figured out what my problem is. I hate the triplets.” As I started laughing at her clearly exaggerated comment, she went on to explain that she loves them each individually but as a unit of 3, they are a nightmare. I love that. It makes me think that there is something special about those 3 boys – an inseparable bond that they will have for life. A secret code that only they can understand.

Part of me (and I'm sure many of you) wants to say be thankful for the one you have. Or, why would anyone pray for twins, do you know how much work that is? Or I thought you were over the drama? I thought you dealt with all this already?

*Sigh.* Me too. And that’s why I was so surprised at my reaction.

But figuring out why you have strong reactions to something is important. It’s your body’s way of telling you that there is something there. Feelings that need to be dissected and understood. Most often, if you don’t take the time to dissect them and see what the real underlying meaning is, you will misinterpret. And that can be dangerous. You might think that you are still in love with your ex because of the reaction you had to seeing him. Most likely, however, it’s just a reliving of the past. It’s a memory of what was. But your reaction can also show you that you miss that. That excitement, that intensity. And you can use that awareness to work on bettering your own marriage.

It tells you what your hearts desires are. If you have strong reaction to seeing your high school bully – the feelings aren’t hatred (at its root). They are actually showing your hearts desire of wanting love and acceptance and how painful it is to be treated with the opposite. If you have a strong reaction to seeing you spouse talking with another woman, it doesn’t mean you don’t trust your spouse. It might mean that your hearts’ need is to feel more security in your relationship.

That’s the thing about writing. About journaling, prayer or meditation. It brings you to a certain sense of awareness. Awareness about your feelings, your thoughts. While this is a great benefit to you personally, it’s also exhausting.

There’s something to be said about living life unaware. Sort of a the “ignorance is bliss” idea.

Since it doesn't seem like I get to live in that kind of ignorant bliss (mainly because I over think everything!), I tried to see where the tears, the ache, and the reaction came from. I guess the awareness was that my heart really does have a longing for twins. That's where the tears came from. It’s weird. It’s uncommon. I know. But I think the ache in my heart was for Summer, as she was the one who was going to be missing out on what could have been. Missing out on that bond with her sister.

I do have to say that it made me smile. Seeing the twin girls, each holding one of mommy’s hands. It made me smile. I wasn’t jealous. I wasn’t even sad. I just had a strong reaction to coming so close to having something, a desire in my heart realized.

One that may or may not not ever come to fruition. And that’s ok. I got on that bus and hugged Mia a little tighter. Felt Summer kicking and realized that the path my life is on still has a long way to go.
And it’s exciting. And its exhausting.

And that sometimes, being stopped in your tracks isn’t all that bad.