A Little Clarity in the Clouds

So it’s been 7 days since my ultrasound and today was the first day I looked up ‘fluid on the brain’ on the internet. Before you judge, remember 7 days is a long time – especially for me! I lasted that long partly because I have been so busy lately and partly because I was purposely trying not to look it up.

But now, the secret is out. I looked it up. But to tell you the truth, I’m not that concerned. Even though I broke down at 7 days and looked it up the internet, I think those extra days helped me be ok with whatever the outcome.

I have heard myself say a few times this week, 'I’m over it.' Not out of cynicism or resignation but out of genuine peace. Meaning, I am over the stress, over the drama, over the fear and anxiety. And I am just ok with whatever.

As a matter of fact, I was kind of annoyed when the doctor told me what the fluid might mean at birth – I wanted to say, 'let’s deal with what’s happening in utero, and then at the birth we’ll deal with what happens there.'

Choroid Plexus Cyst. That’s what my the official label is for the fluid on Summer’s brain. And like I said in my previous post, it could be nothing. In fact, they think that there are many of us walking around with these fluid pockets on the brain. On the other hand it can be indicative of Trisomy 18 or Trisomy 21. But only 1% have that chance. And that’s only if there are other rare conditions in the pregnancy. Like identical twins. Or TRAP sequence.

Hmm.

But still, I have heard so many encouraging stories of other people who were given that diagnosis, even with twins, and there were no other issues in addition to the fluid. So I’m not too worried. Not much I can do about it anyways.

Another reason that I’m sort of ‘over it’ I think has to do with writing Baby b, Cayden, a letter. Many people have asked me if it made a difference to see her on the ultrasound last week after writing her a goodbye letter. And yes, it did make a difference. In fact, I had no idea it would make as much of a difference as it did or I would have done it earlier. It’s funny how that works. How hindsight is 20/20 (or at least a little clearer hopefully!). But I wonder if we really can do things differently much of the time. Or if we do in fact have to go through the process of certain things in order to come to a place of peace.

When we decided to name her and write her a goodbye letter, we just wanted some closure on the constant worrying. I wanted to focus on Summer and start to get excited about having another baby. Something that has been prevented with all the drama surrounding this pregnancy. But I had no idea how effective that letter would be.

When Paul and I were in premarital counseling, our pastor told us how important it was to verbalize our feelings. That sometimes, by not giving words or a voice to our feelings, it prevents us from actually moving forward. In a way, it stunts our personal growth. (Maybe that’s why I’m so tall – I never stop talking!)

But I have really found that to be true. And my husband, (who is not one to use more words than necessary to get a point across), would also agree that even though it might be a challenge for him to find the appropriate words to describe what he is feeling, once he finds those words, there is freedom in them. Freedom from what, I’m not sure. I guess freedom from emotions needing an escape route. Freedom from confusion. Assigning words to feelings provides clarity.

When we named Cayden Marie and wrote her a goodbye letter, each word in the letter carried a lot of weight. Each word was heavy with emotion. When I began writing the letter, I felt frustration and sadness. By the end, I felt gratefulness and peace.

What I didn’t realize until the last ultrasound when I saw baby b on the screen, was that those words literally CARRIED MY emotion. They were more than just words; each one represented my emotions. Even took that emotion. The words of that letter relieved me of much of the frustration and sadness and allowed me to feel gratefulness and peace.

So when I saw baby b on the ultrasound, I didn’t see Cayden Marie. My little Cayden is in heaven. What I saw instead was Summer. And next to Summer, a mass of cells that was growing slowly enough to allow me a few more weeks of calm. Of gratefulness.

Even now, until I started writing this post, I didn’t realize how this past week has had an underlying sense of gratefulness. But it’s true, I have felt particularly thankful since the ultrasound. I think that feeling is what allowed me to not look up fluid on the brain. I was just thankful for so many things, I didn’t want to ruin it. Thankful for Cayden. For baby b’s slow growth. For Mia. For Summer. Every time I get heartburn, feel her foot lodged underneath my rib, or can’t sleep because I’m having pregnancy hot flashes – it makes me thankful. For support from family and friends. For all your prayers.

Prayer is a funny thing. It’s hard to understand it. Why pray if God knows what we feel and think anyways? Well, maybe it’s not so much for HIM to hear the prayers, as it is for US to figure out what we really are praying for. What we are really feeling. Maybe there is a reason He tells us to do that. Maybe because He knows us, and He knows it’s what we need to do to continue our personal growth. You know, because He created us and all.

All I know is that if I didn’t start writing frequently, I would be a bundled mess of emotions. I would cry at commercials rather than the real reason I was sad and get upset about traffic jams rather than the real reason I was upset. Writing and prayer have been that clarifying agent for me. (Though I do still cry at commercials and I do still hate traffic jams.)

The 7 days I waited before looking up Choroid Plexus gave me some time to just bask in the blessings I have. So that while reading about the realm of possibilities regarding the fluid, I was able to remain grounded in reality. That, coupled with giving a voice to my feelings through the words of each blog post, has provided me with clarity. A sense of calm.

And even a sense of anticipation.

For the first time since seeing those 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test 5 months ago, I think the front-running emotion I feel is finally excitement about having another baby. Another baby girl. I’m ready to take out Mia’s infant clothes and begin preparing to bring a 2nd child into our home.

The shadows of doubt seem to have dissipated. The cloud around the whole pregnancy has thinned. We can see, or better yet feel, clearly now. We are ready. We are thankful.

Though the season is coming to an end, Paul and I are finally ready for Summer.