Facing your Fears

There are normal fears like spiders and snakes. And irrational fears like sharks in the lake (which I had all while growing up swimming in Lake Michigan). And then there are real fears – the kind that keep you up at night (although truth be told, I have had nightmares about sharks).

These fears usually have to do with loss.

When I got married, my biggest fear was losing Paul. To a car accident or some other tragic event.
When I got pregnant with Mia, my biggest fear was not hearing a heartbeat at an ultrasound.
Once I had Mia, my biggest fear was losing her to some tragic event like choking, kidnapping, or a fall.

I think as you get older, your fears become more real because your world becomes smaller. You start to hear these tragic events happening to friends of friends, and then in your group of friends, and then to your own family. And you realize that you are closer to the possibility of these fears becoming a reality than you ever imagined.

As kids, we are fearless. Not a care in the world. We feel safe. We feel protected. I felt this way all the way through college - one of the reasons behind some not-so-smart decision making! I think I felt this way up until I got married. Then I started to feel this fear of loss. It was as if now I have my own things; my husband, my child, my family. Things too precious to me to imagine losing. And I wanted to protect them.
But I started to hear stories of loss and started to know people personally who went through these losses.

*My friend lost her 3 year old to an act of violence. He was ripped right out of her life. That traumatized me. Really made me lose faith in humanity.
*My mom just told me about a friend’s husband who was killed in a car accident leaving her behind with a 2 yr old and 6 month old twins. Her life changed forever, in an instant.
*And now, after sharing my story, I have heard so many heartbreaking stories of loss. Of moms who lost their babies at 23, 26 or 32 weeks. Of delivering a still born. Of burying a 1 month old.

These are real stories. They are stories that become a measurement in life – life before the loss and life after the loss.

But we can't hide from our fears. In fact, there is something to be said for facing your fears head on. I have seen this on so many talk shows – of people confronting their fears of clowns, snakes, heights or whatever. Many therapists say that it works when done correctly. I think its because you figure what it is you are afraid of exactly and see your life as it can be after that fear.

So before my ultrasound on Friday, I decided to see what I was so anxious about. And it was that I wouldn’t hear Summer’s heartbeat. That the technician would move the ultrasound wand around and around on my belly and not find a heartbeat. That the baby would be lying still. Too still. My gut reaction was to shake that idea out of my head. But I decided to allow myself to ride that train of thought a bit further. Ok, no heartbeat. What would I do? How would I tell Paul? What would it be like to come home and know that this journey had ended?
And then… How long would it take to get pregnant again? When would we be ready? After thinking those last 2 thoughts I realized…life goes on. Even in my thought process, I eventually came to how do we move on?

And that’s life. We press on. We move on. We keep going. Maybe through tears. Maybe through screams of pain but we still do it. We breathe. We walk. One foot in front of the other. It’s what my friend who lost her child does daily, sometimes she has to force herself to breath from minute to minute I’m sure, but she gets up. Makes breakfast. Keeps going.

Once I sort of walked down that path of no heartbeat, I realized that it wouldn’t be the end of my world. It would be tragic. And horrible. But it wouldn’t be the end. And it could be worse. It can always be worse.

Don’t misunderstand; I’m not saying that we would get over it and move on. Not that simply anyways….but in a messy, tear-filled, pain-filled, brokenhearted way, we WOULD incorporate it into our lives …and move on.
It’s what we are made to do.

I didn’t have to face the fear. Summer had a heartbeat. But there are so many people who face their greatest fear everyday. Losing a spouse. A best friend. A child. And there are terrible ways that these events happen. The world is not a safe place and we are not exempt from these tragedies. But we can’t live in paralyzing fear of them either. It doesn’t work because then we are not living; we are hiding.

I can’t protect my family. I can’t ensure that no one will hurt Mia. That Paul won’t get in a car accident or that Summer will have a heart beat next week. I don’t have control of those things. God does but He doesn’t promise that he will protect us from losses either. God promises to be with us. To carry us through the pain. Through the loss. That’s just how it is. And the sooner I can accept that and give Paul, Mia and Summer back to God instead of trying to hold them in my own protective custody, the sooner I can rest in the trust that His presence is all I need.

“My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest.” Ex 33:14

And that Presence cancels out the fears, comforts during the times of loss, and provides the peace in spite of the circumstances.

If I have to come face to face with my fears, I sure am glad that I don’t have to do it alone.