I wasn’t surprised because I wasn’t bracing myself for the news.
It’s kind of like a drunk driving accident. The statistics show that the person with alcohol in their system, is typically the one who walks away from the accident unscathed. Apparently it’s attributed to the slower reaction time that this person has – they don’t brace themselves for the collision and their body absorbs the impact instead of resists it. And somehow, that prevents them from the most fatal of injuries.
That’s kind of how I feel. I have been bracing myself every week to hear Summers heart, to see baby b, for the possibility of the surgery etc. And all it has done is create a brittle framework for my soul. One easily crushed by any bad news. I think that’s where anxiety comes from – bracing yourself for the bad news while at the same time hoping with all your might for the good news. The opposing emotions just create a volcano ready to erupt.
I have really been trying to learn the art of that peace, that rest that I have written about in the past. To not brace myself. To not expect the bad news. Or the good news for that matter. But instead, to pray for the good news, and rest in the peace that that is all I can do and the rest is out of my hands.
So when they starting naming various trisomies, conditions, and possibilities, I didn’t start crying. I didn’t feel nauseous. I just paused, prayed, and listened. Admittedly, I probably was a bit in shock and my mind might have allowed me a few moments to not process the information in an effort to protect myself.
Maybe because of my profession or maybe because of the conscious effort to keep my emotions in check, my rational mind took over. And I started asking questions...
What are the most common trisomies? Are they the kind that is compatible with life or the kind that means I will lose her a few days into her life? Is there thickening of the nuchol folds in her neck or any holes in her heart, both of which are indicative of Down syndrome? Are there any indications that her hands or feet are malformed, both signs of Trisomy 13? What is the biggest concern we are facing?
Truth be told, I was more comfortable with this topic than all the other ones we have been faced with up to now. Maybe because it’s what I do on a daily basis – work with families and individuals touched by disabilities. It’s something we consider a privilege to do. I knew what questions to ask, what things to consider, and what emotions to expect.
But in the background, I felt God saying to me “just because this is your arena, doesn’t mean you don’t still need me. My peace. My rest. My control.” And that’s so true. Just 1 week after saying I give up, I give it to you, God because there is nothing I can do, I was ready to take the reins back again. I thought, ok, this part I can handle. This part I know more about and can figure out on my own. But I have done that enough times to know that the end result is coming back to the same place. The same place of exhaustion, confusion, lack of peace. So why continue to go in circles?
I need to deliberately give back those reins. To just sit at His feet and thank him for being in control. For reminding me that there is no need for me to try and do it on my own when the very One who created Summer is watching her every move. Is aware of her every chromosome and has created her exactly as she should be. How can I compete with that? Why would I want to?
So I’m trying not to brace myself. And to not resist the trials because I know they are going to come. I’m going to get drunk on the peace from God that will allow me to absorb the impact of life. It doesn’t mean I will walk away unscathed, unscarred or unhurt. In fact, I will probably feel all of those things, but they won’t be fatal injuries.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:1-4
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