I was told recently that when I go into labor, I will need to decide if I will take Baby b’s body home and have a burial for her, or if I will donate her body to science.
What?!
What kind of question is that? Even as I write it, my mind can’t quite comprehend the absurdity of it. It’s the kind of question no parent should be asked. It’s the kind of question that I don’t even know where to begin to answer. I guess that’s why they told us at 15 weeks, so that we would have several months to think about it.
(Although, it would be nice not to have to think about that for the next several months.)
If you’re wondering why so many posts have to do with Baby b instead of Summer, the daughter I will actually have to love and cherish, I’m asking myself the same question. It’s a bit exhausting to continue to circle back to the same thing. And it’s truly amazing how many dilemmas, even if they are just in my mind, that Baby b has brought to us. Of course there are the ‘real’ ones – her impact on Summer’s life and the entire pregnancy. But there are also so many emotional dilemmas that it seems she takes more of my focus than Summer does.
Like I have said before, we already mourned Baby b. We already dealt with losing her. So we had no intention of naming her let alone having a burial service for her. And yet, we can’t move past her because every week, there she is. Every week, as much as Summer’s health is who we are checking on – those answers all depend on what Baby b is doing. And so, the focus is still inadvertently on Baby b.
And now this question? I don’t even know where to begin to process.
Initially my gut reaction was that we would donate her ‘body’ to science.
I put body in quotes because up until this point, her body is a mass of tissue. There are a few distinct parts, yes, but it does not resemble a human body. Yet. However, the pics online (that I am no longer allowed to look at), do show a human body. Disturbing, but looking very human.
So if she looks like that, like a baby, do we bury her? What if she is just a mass of tissue?
Should our decision really be based on what she looks like? (Especially when our whole profession is based on the idea that everyone is created in God’s image regardless of what they look like, or their cognitive/physical ability etc.?)
Paul says that for him, it will be based on the size.
But when is she big enough to bring home?
I’m all about being an organ donor and saving lives. (Not sure that is relevant in any way but it kind of makes me think of that). If donating her little body would allow research to take place that would help determine how this happens – maybe that would save lives in the future. Even to put this case on the internet to allow other moms to know that it’s possible for Baby b to grow slow enough not to harm baby a (assuming that’s how my case will end up). Then it would be worth it to me.
But how will we know how we will feel in 4 months? Can we even make that decision right now? How will we feel when I deliver her and see her? Hold her? See her next to Summer and have all those feelings of having twin girls come back? Will I be so willing to donate her body to science then?
I sit here and just shake my head. Tears stream down my face. My fingers ache from typing so hard, clearly this topic has brought out some of the frustration I thought I had already released. They told us about this circumstance a few weeks back. It wasn't until this week that I really started to process what it means and begin to feel the emotional turmoil of the decision. It just seems that we can’t get past Baby b. And it makes me feel bad that I want to get past her. I want to focus on Summer. On getting all the baby girl clothes back out and getting the bassinet ready. But I don’t dare just yet.
Someone told me that I should just not see her (Baby b) when I deliver. I wish that I was that type of personality but I can tell you right now, it will be the opposite. They will probably have to pry her away from me because I will be so intrigued by her. That this tiny little mass has turned my whole world upside down. And not all in a bad way. She really has brought perspective to my life, re-ignited my prayers and hopefully has touched other people out there reading about our experience as well. And whether or not I want it to be this way, Baby b has consumed most of my thoughts in the last several weeks and I imagine she will continue to do so through delivery. I don’t think I can pass up the opportunity to ‘meet’ her. Maybe it’s because she will only be part of me for the next 20 weeks. At most. Then never again on this side of heaven.
Exhausting. That’s the word that describes what it’s like to go through the mental exercise of deciding what to do with our stillborn baby. That never had a heart. That may or may not be more than a mass of tissue and body parts. That may or may not resemble a baby. And what do you do if you bring her home? Actually have a service? A burial? The circle of maddening questions continues.
Many people have been telling me to just focus on Summer.
I agree.
I just have to figure out how to do that.
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