Faith in Numbers

The first time I felt Mia kick, I was 20 weeks pregnant and reading a book in bed. Paul was in Canada on a fishing trip and I noticed a fluttering in my stomach. Like butterflies. I didn’t think much of it and then it got stronger, and I put my hand on my stomach, right over my belly button and sure enough was given one strong kick. I called Paul and told him and while I’m sure he was excited about it, I don’t think he really understood how exciting it was until he was able to put his hand on my belly and feel it himself.

At about 30 weeks, the doctor told me that I should feel around 10 kicks every hour. And that if there was a long time without feeling kicking, to call him. My mom laughed when she heard that and said it’s amazing that we all survived without the knowledge that they have now.

I felt Summer kick this week. It was just a little tiny ‘bump’. But it was her. And it made me smile. It was as if she was just reminding me that she’s there, she’s focusing on growing, and, well maybe it was also her letting me know that I shouldn’t have had that cup of coffee that morning. (I almost always drink decaf, I swear!) Because I get to see her weekly on the ultrasounds, I see what a feisty little thing she is already -constantly twirling and squirming and kicking her tiny little arms and legs.

But then…I didn’t feel her for a few days. And I got nervous. And then started to panic. And then…looked it up on the internet. Yea, you’d think I would have learned my lesson about that by now. As I was getting ready to call the doctor, I felt her kick again. Relieved, I put the phone down.

But right alongside her kick, was God nudging my heart.

Really? You are going to put your faith in the number of kicks? Haven’t I shown you that I will carry you through this? Whatever the outcome?

Humbled, I began to think about how often I do that. And it always seems to be a numbers game. Yes, I thank God for providing a job but I still find comfort in watching my savings grow, or get stressed when we dip into it. Yes, I believe that God will protect me and yet get anxious as I read the statistics that threaten my unborn child. There seems to be a point of just a little more, or just a little less, and then I will be safe. But that is never the case. Just look at how many people have their hope in the stock market. I was shocked when I read about how many suicides there have been after stock market crashes. It’s truly heartbreaking – and it’s because they had their faith, their hope, in the numbers.

I should have known better. God doesn’t work like we would expect Him to. In fact, the Bible is full of stories of Him doing things the opposite way that we would do it. David and Goliath. The walls of Jericho. These are all stories of overcoming the odds that can only be attributed to God. One of my favorites is the story of Gideon.

Gideon, the man God called a mighty warrior even as he was hiding out, was scared of his enemies. God finally convinced Gideon to assemble an army of Israelites to face their enemy. I am sure Gideon was pleased and surprised when 32,000 men responded to his battle cry. I imagine the strength of their numbers was a comfort to this less than confident soldier.
And then God told him to cut the army down in size. Then cut it again. God cut the army's numbers from 32,000 down to just 300. Contrast that with the enemy troops described as "thick as locusts." I can only imagine what Gideon was feeling. He had to think that more was better, that surely having a large army to count on was a good idea. But God had his own plan. And sure enough, they won the battle.

Hmm. Point taken. Sometimes I feel like “Ok God, I get it. Can we take a break from the life lessons for a few days?” I mean is it really necessary to turn everything into a teachable moment? Everything?

As the child in this relationship, I have that perspective. But as a parent, I realize that it is my job to take advantage of every teachable moment with Mia. Because that’s how she will learn to develop the character traits I want her to have – compassion, kindness, goodness. It’s how she will learn what is appropriate and what is not. It’s how I can guide her on the path to becoming the woman she is created to be. And I do it because I love her. I love her too much to let her grow up without any guidance.

So why would God, my very Creator, be any different? Didn’t He create the model of parent/child? Of course He is going to use every teachable moment to help me become the woman He created me to be. In fact, that’s His only goal with me. For me to get to know Him better by drawing close to Him in my every life situation - both the good and the bad.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I am too exhausted to follow thru on a teachable moment with Mia and I might let it pass. Truth be told, it can be exhausting to utilize every single one that comes up. So my human nature thinks, God can’t you just give me a break? Aren’t you tired of teaching me something all the time?

But he is not going to get tired of teaching me – He IS patience. He is not going to give me a break because he knows it’s not what’s best for me. Where I fail as a parent, He never will. Does he bring these troubles upon us? I don’t think so. He doesn’t seem to rescue us from all of them either. But thankfully, he doesn’t sit back and watch us struggle through them alone. He carries us through, provides the strength, the comfort, and the place of rest.

I will continue to count Summer’s kicks but I won’t put my faith in them. And as I gear up for an ultrasound this Friday, complete with a fetal echocardiogram, I am trying to remain wrapped in His peace. Knowing that that’s the only place I can put my faith – not in numbers and not in medicine. I thank God for every kick. And thank Him for using all the teachable moments in this situation.

It just means that, He loves me too much to leave me the way I am.

And I’m ok with that.